THIS is the time of year when you are asked for all sorts of donations. I always find the process moderately stressful, but not because my wife and I are agonizing over how much to give.

There are plenty of guides that tell you what to give to your mail carrier (not allowed to accept cash, and noncash gifts cannot exceed $20), your babysitter (one to two weeks’ pay) and your doorman, if you live in an apartment building ($75 and up, but make sure it’s not less than last year). My daughter just started preschool this year, so we have a whole new category on our list, and it includes items like gifts for teachers and meeting a request for the school’s annual fund. But that was easy to solve. We just asked other parents what they gave.

But because these are not ordinary economic times, and a lot of people are unemployed or underemployed, some of the requests for money this year don’t fit into a neat mathematical calculation. Should you respond with a gift? And how do you figure out the appropriate amount?

I thought it worthwhile to ask other people how they were handling this. I also wanted to quiz experts on the ethics and etiquette of giving. Here’s what I learned.

EMPATHY GIFTS Brian O’Connor, the director of marketing and public relations at Cunard, the cruise line, told me he noticed something different about the myriad requests he has been receiving for year-end donations: more friends asking for help.

“I’ve had the ask range from individual friends asking me on Facebook for help to others saying, ‘I’m a little low on money, and I want to do something for the kids,’ ” he said. “That’s tough.”

Such requests are what Elizabeth Franklin, the founder and chief executive of the Franklin Report, a high-end guide to service providers, calls “empathy gifts.” They are a direct response to the economic situation and the desire of someone with more to help someone with less.

Mrs. Franklin said a friend of hers gave a $1,000 tip to her hairdresser, who was struggling to put her children through school. She said the friend explained it this way, “She’s having a harder time making ends meet than I am.”

Melanie McGlade, who lives in Darien, Conn., did something more extreme. She canceled Christmas for her two sons, 12 and 17, and is giving the money she would have spent on their gifts to local charities that help impoverished children.

“My kids are mad,” she said. “They 100 percent understand it and get it, and they know it’s the right thing. But it would be unnatural if they didn’t complain a bit.”

Yet, she said, she reminded them that they get clothes when they need them throughout the year and will soon be taking a trip to Colorado. “It’s not like I’m locking them in a closet,” she said.

While her children may be miffed, Joshua Perry, assistant professor of business law and ethics at the Kelley School of Business at Indiana University, said such a gesture could remind givers of their own good fortune.

“Sometimes it’s helpful to have a dose of humility about the good fortune that many of us might enjoy,” he said, “and to recognize that over the course of a lifetime, a break in this or that other direction, and we could be that guy who is struggling.”

Mr. O’Connor said he planned to discreetly send checks to his friends who asked for help. “I believe that there is a positive karma thing to keep money flowing in and around you, whether it’s a heftier tip to a great server or that friend who is strapped to pay that electric bill.”

OBLIGATIONS Not all holiday requests are born of good will. Some feel like old-fashioned shakedowns.

That is the case with a trader at a bank, who asked not to be named for fear of losing her job. She received an e-mail this month listing what people at different levels should donate toward a holiday gift for the team’s assistants. The amounts ranged from $100 to $250.

Article source: http://feeds.nytimes.com/click.phdo?i=d68c002eb0d3a891a5491a1409ff2faa