Shortcuts: The Anxiety of the Unanswered E-Mail

OVER the last few weeks, I’ve repeatedly run up against one of the classic frustrations of modern life — sending out e-mails and hearing nothing back.

In this case, it was business-related and the issues were resolved, later rather than sooner. But like everyone else, I’ve also had times when friends seem to inexplicably drop out of sight and my mind races as I pick through our past interactions, wondering if I’ve somehow offended them.

It’s not just e-mails. Unreturned phone calls, texts and messages via social media can be just as irritating. But I’m going to concentrate on e-mails because for most people (teenage sons excepted), they are the most common tool of business and personal communication.

A large part of the problem, said Terri Kurtzberg, an associate professor of management and global business at Rutgers Business School, is that in face-to-face or phone conversations, “it’s clear how long a silence should last before you need to respond,” she said. “There’s no norm with digital communication.”

The nonresponders — the ones who regularly let e-mails slide through the cracks — are at the opposite end of the spectrum from the constant responders. Those are the ones who can barely look up from their smartphones, even while walking or dining, because they are so intent on answering every query.

I’ve written about the problem of expecting instant responses. So this time I’m going to focus on the laggards. I was curious to hear their side of the story, so I sent out the question to friends (via e-mail) and out over some Web sites.

I was somewhat surprised to get so many responses from people who went into quite some detail explaining why they don’t respond to e-mails.

First of all, I’m talking about answering friends or colleagues, not people you don’t know who are trying to sell or pitch something.

Lack of time and too many e-mails are the most common reasons people say they don’t reply (although some of the busiest people I know are the most prompt responders). Checking their e-mails on one device, like a smartphone, making a mental note to reply more in-depth later, and then forgetting, is another. And, of course, there’s always the possibility your e-mail ended up in the junk or spam folder.

But there are more emotional reasons as well. One is fear of commitment or a hesitation to say no. My friend Janine said she would drop the ball when she was invited to something she didn’t want to go to but thought she should.

“I want to say ‘no’, but feel that the right thing is to say ‘yes’, so I am frozen and then I plan on going back to the e-mail to draft a reply, but it gets buried,” she said. “Then I feel even worse for not replying and put it off again. It’s not nice to leave people hanging, but I do.”

Over the last few years, Adam Boettiger, a digital marketing consultant based in Portland, Ore., said, “We’ve seen an increase in the nonresponse rather than just politely declining. You delete it and hope it goes away, just like if someone comes to your door and you pretend you’re not home.”

Notoya Green, of Manhattan, knows both sides. When she worked as a lawyer, “I used to live by my BlackBerry. If people didn’t respond, I thought it was unprofessional and rude.” Now, the mother of 2-year-old triplets, she’s the one no one can get hold of.“If people send me a message that I don’t want to deal with, it’s easier not to respond,” Ms. Green said. “At this stage, there are so many requests from my children, I can’t deal with requests from adults.”

While time is the major factor, it’s not the only one. Like many others, Ms. Green said she may feel uncomfortable turning people down, so she will just ignore the query.

E-mail: shortcuts@nytimes.com

Article source: http://www.nytimes.com/2013/04/20/your-money/the-anxiety-of-the-unanswered-e-mail.html?partner=rss&emc=rss