Start-Up Chronicle

Getting a restaurant off the ground.

Susan Meisel“I don’t understand why I am here.”

As you might have suspected, I have had many opinions about restaurants over the years, but I have never approached the owner of one of them and told him or her how I would improve his or her life’s work. So it is with admiration and puzzlement that I listen to all the guests who call me to their table or track me down to offer their sage suggestions. While 95 percent of the comments are insightful and positive, those other 5 percent stick to the ribs like a good porterhouse, which we do not serve and which is a constant source of contention.

Almost nightly, someone will tell me how to improve the menu, how to redesign the interior, how to replant the garden, what liquors we ought to carry, how many beers we need on tap, and where the television should go. All of these voluntary advisers, naturally, profess to be doing me a favor, upgrading the establishment while gently upbraiding the owner.

Here are snippets from my conversations, some of my favorite slights, in no particular order.

Guest: This is not bluefish.
Owner: What do you think it is?
Guest: I don’t know, but it can’t be bluefish.
Owner: Why not?
Guest: It’s delicious.

Guest: I just did my taxes.
Owner: You need a drink?
Guest: I have two children, and I spent thousands of dollars at another restaurant last year. I would love to bring them here, but you need some plain pasta.
Owner: We have plain pasta if you want it.
Guest: Not at these prices!

Guest: You need chairs with arms. ABC Carpet has chairs with arms and they’re much more comfortable than your chairs.

Guest: Does your sous vide egg have a yolk?
Owner: Yes.
Guest: Will it run when I eat it?
Owner: Yes.
Guest: Then I will puke, right here on the table.
Owner: How many would you like?

Guest: You call this chicken liver pate? This is too creamy, and it’s under all these vegetables. Chicken liver should never be treated like this. Who wants a chicken liver mousse? Chicken liver should stand on its own, on the side of the plate. Here’s how I would compose a chicken liver plate …

Guest: You need a steak on the menu.
Owner: Why?
Guest: You won’t make it without a steak.
Owner: Are you genuinely interested in our financial stability?
Guest: No, I am not. All I care about is how this restaurant serves me. How often can I eat here. Can I bring my mother here? Will she enjoy herself? That’s all I care about. I don’t care about anything else. I certainly don’t care about you. I don’t even know you.

Guest: You need better champagne.
Owner: What would you suggest?
Guest: I’ll bring my samples around next week. How about Tuesday?

Guest: Your food is exquisite, your service excellent, your ambiance is great, but your prices are too high.
Owner: Do you think the first three things would be true if the last one were not?

Guest: I understand your menu changes often.
Owner: Yes, this week we added blowfish and albacore.
Guest: Do you think it will change a lot next week?
Owner: Depends on what is available. Why?
Guest: Because I have a reservation for next Saturday night and I didn’t like anything I ate tonight.

Guest: You know why I love this place?
Owner: Tell me, please.
Guest: No guilt. I can indulge myself to the max and still feel like I’m saving the planet. Better than therapy! And I can drink too!

Guest: You need a kiddie menu.
Owner: We have a children’s menu.
Guest: How come I never saw it?
Owner: You never came with children.

Guest: This place is almost perfect. Almost.
Owner: I’ll bite, what would make it perfect?
Guest: A flat-screen television.
Owner: Oh.
Guest: Behind the bar.
Owner: I see.
Guest: With America’s favorite game.
Owner: War?
Guest: No, the N.F.L.
Owner: Oh, war substitute.
Guest: Imagine great food, great wine, and Tom Brady. What a trifecta!
Owner: You must be a gambler.
Guest: Wanna bet?

Guest: This is not an amuse bouche.
Owner: Why do you say that?
Guest: There are three things here and they constitute a whole course. Look at the size of those cucumbers. This is not an amuse bouche, sir.
Owner: If you are accusing us of serving too much food, we shall accept your criticism. Thank you. I mean, I’m sorry.

Guest: I can buy the same oysters you do. I don’t understand why I am here.
Owner: I don’t either.

Guest: You need valet parking.
Owner: Okay. Why is that?
Guest: I tripped in the parking lot.
Owner: Tripped over what?
Guest: My own feet.

Guest: Can you move us to another table?
Owner: What are you looking for?
Guest: Different chairs.
Owner: Oh, the chairs are a problem?
Guest: I know, my girlfriend has a big, beautiful bottom.
Owner: I didn’t notice.
Guest: But she can’t deal with the metal chairs. Who can figure this stuff out?

TBD Design

Guest: You need better lighting. I can’t read the menu.
Owner: We have candles and mini flashlights.
Guest: That’s too embarrassing.
Owner: I understand, but here is our dilemma. You read the menu for five minutes while you gaze into the face of your partner for two hours.
Guest: On second thought, the lighting’s fine.

A guy approaches me, raises his hands in front of his face, as if to pray.
Guest: Take off my handcuffs, please.
Owner: What?
Guest: The bar menu is too restrictive. Take off my handcuffs, please.
Owner: Sorry. It’s just a two-course prix fixe with no dessert.
Guest: Attica! Attica!

Guest: You specialize in local stuff, right?
Owner: Yes.
Guest: And you have organic vegetables, right?
Owner: Yes.
Guest: You know what you need?
Owner: I’m about to find out.
Guest: Local art.
Owner: Oh.
Guest: Photographs. You have lots of spaces here that would be enhanced by photographs of old farms and old tractors and old boats.
Owner: Do you know where I could get these photographs?
Guest: Here’s my card.

Guest: We met you at the charity event last week.
Owner: Yes, I remember. Nice to see you.
Guest: We came for the scallops sashimi we had there.
Owner: Sorry, we’re not serving them tonight.
Guest: But that’s why we’re here.
Owner: We have a lot of other equally good fish dishes.
Guest: You can’t do that. You gave them away, they were delicious, we came here for the scallops, and you don’t have any? That’s shameful. That’s false advertising. You’ll never see us again.

Guest: I ordered the soft shell crab.
Owner: I think you have it.
Guest: When I order soft shell crabs, I want soft shell crabs. Not an egg, not spinach and onion and fennel and radish and black olives — just soft shell crabs.
Owner: It lists all those items on the menu.
Guest: That’s beside the point.

Guest: You need a salmon and avocado salad here.
Owner: We don’t serve salmon.
Guest: It’s easy to make. I made one for lunch today.
Owner: We don’t have avocado either.
Guest: Want me to show your chef how?
Owner: I would love to see that. Unfortunately, the chef is not here right now.

Guest: One complaint. Too much treif.
Owner: Shalom.

Guest: I love your place. But you need a bigger sign out front, more lights in the parking lot, and the entrance should be in the front of the building. Who ever heard of an entrance in the rear?
Owner: No comment.

Guest: How can you force me to have dessert?
Owner: We can’t.
Guest: But I am paying for it on the prix fixe.
Owner: You can take it home for later or tomorrow. The cheese plate, the cookies, several desserts travel very well.
Guest: Take it home? You kidding? I’m starving.

Guest: The booths are not very comfortable. You need to soften them, line them with cushions. I’m pretty sore.
Owner: How long have you been here?
Guest: Three hours.

Chris Koszyk

Guest: I wanted the mussels.
Owner: They’re delicious, a little on the spicy side.
Guest: I ordered the sardines.
Owner: Why is that?
Guest: You don’t have French fries.
Owner: I know.
Guest: You cannot expect anyone to eat mussels without French Fries.

Guest: I tried the clam chowder and it was inedible.
Owner: I am sorry.
Guest: I tried the arctic char and sent it back.
Owner: I am sorry again.
Guest: I am going to try the mussels now.
Guest’s husband: Or we could just go to McDonald’s and be done with it.

Guest: You need more vegetarian entrees.
Owner: We have three.
Guest: You do? Where?
Owner: It says right there on the menu, near the bottom, “vegetarian dishes on request.”
Guest: Then you need larger type and better lights.

Guest: When I called at 7, the woman said there were no tables available at 7:30.
Owner: As you can see, we’re filling up.
Guest: I asked about the bar and she said no reservations at the bar.
Owner: The bar is for walk-ins. Like you. You just walked in and you’re eating at the bar.
Guest: But I’m not happy about it.

Guest: Why don’t you have wild salmon?
Owner: It comes from Alaska.
Guest: But it fits your profile.
Owner: Large carbon footprint.
Guest: Salmon have feet?

Guest: This is America, right?
Owner: Right.
Guest: Then why don’t you have steak on the menu?
Owner: We don’t have steak because we are a sustainable seafood restaurant, and beef is not an indigenous Long Island product, and we’d have to buy half a cow, and we have neither the storage space nor the clientele large enough to support that much beef, and we have no need for by-products like beef stock and hamburger, and if we bought industrial steak, it would be mediocre, and if we purchased grass-fed, heritage beef, we’d have to raise our prices, and there are plenty of restaurants in the area with good steaks, and we don’t necessarily believe that beef is all that good for the planet or the persons living on it.
Guest: How about lamp chops?

Bruce Buschel owns Southfork Kitchen, a restaurant in Bridgehampton, N.Y.

Article source: http://feeds.nytimes.com/click.phdo?i=a0be4e2fc01127e38cf0bf3b21febb3c