“Oftentimes, parents are invested in having their kids dependent on them,” Mr. Wesley said. “Dad likes having his son to play golf with him, or Mom likes going shopping with her daughters. Parents need to do some self-examination and take a long, hard look at their motives.”
In other words, they may need to accept some of the blame for the situation, after being “helicopter parents” who swooped in to help their children or “snowplow parents” who pushed all obstacles out of their children’s way.
The difference between being helpful and enabling can be slight, said Mindy Kalinowski Earley, chief learning officer at the Family Office Exchange, a membership organization for wealthy families. “It’s not ‘How can I set up a lunch for you?’” she said. “It’s ‘Here’s the number, and I’ll tell them you’ll be calling.’”
Otherwise, she said, wealthy parents are robbing their children of something crucial — what she calls “the developmental demands of reality.”
Get counseling for serious problems
There are times when adult children do not need guidelines or a nudge; they need counseling for health issues like anxiety and depression. In these cases, turn to mental health professionals, not a checklist.
“The inability to get up off the couch and find a career is the effect, not the cause,” said Peter F. Culver, a longtime financial adviser and a founder of the Family Legacy Council, which works with large, wealthy families. “There is something deeper going on there.”
He recalled one child in a family who did match the drive and ambition of his three siblings. He was smart and capable, but scarred psychologically by his parents’ brutal divorce. “If you asked him objectively, he wanted to get out of the house, but he needed real help,” Mr. Culver said.
Article source: https://www.nytimes.com/2019/06/28/your-money/adult-children-home-guidelines.html?emc=rss&partner=rss