I RECENTLY had a mundane exchange with an acquaintance that took an odd twist.
Me: “How’re you doing?”
Her: “Can’t complain. And you?”
Me: “Can’t complain either. But I still do.”
Typically, we would chuckle knowingly and move on. But instead, she pointed to a purple rubber bracelet on her arm, like the once-ubiquitous yellow LiveStrong ones, and asked if I knew about AComplaintFreeWorld.org — the words etched on the bracelet.
The idea, she said, is that every time you complain, you switch the bracelet from one wrist to another. The goal is to go 21 days without complaining.
She recommended I visit Complaint Free World’s Web site, and then offered me her bracelet.
I took it, both intrigued and repelled by the idea.
Like many people, I have a love-hate relationship with complaining. There is little that is more satisfying than chewing over a meaty complaint about an idiotic service person or the really annoying thing that friend does or how unbelievably rude a teenager can be.
On the other hand, I really dislike people who constantly whine about the same thing. Or those who come to me seemingly wanting advice but then ignore my suggestions and continue grumbling about the same grievance.
So do I want a complaint-free world? Or just one free of the kind of complaints I don’t like?
It depends. Not many people believe we will ever have a world devoid of complaints. Nor should we.
“Psychologically, it’s really unhealthy to squelch complaints,” said Guy Winch, a psychologist and author of “The Squeaky Wheel.” “By not complaining aloud, it doesn’t mean the dissatisfaction has gone away. You’re just not voicing it.”
Some complaints serve as an icebreaker or a bonding experience. Grousing about the weather or traffic is an easy way to start a conversation or simply to avoid standing silently next to each other in an elevator.
“It’s one way to create rapport,” said Joanna Wolfe, a professor of English at Carnegie-Mellon University whose research focuses on communication styles. Complaining about a late bus with other riders, for instance, “creates kind of a solidarity,” she said. “I’ve made friends that way.”
So in my ideal world, I would not do away with those kinds of complaints, although Will Bowen, founder of A Complaint Free World, disagrees.
“A lot of research has been done that shows complaining is damaging to health, relationships and careers,” he said. “When people go 21 days without a complaint, they say they are happier.”
Instead of using a complaint as a conversation opener, he suggested, “talk to them about something good or positive.”
But, he said, his message should not be misunderstood.
He is not arguing that you can’t note when something is wrong. He says you should just do it directly in a neutral manner to the person responsible, not to everyone around you and not with a voice of outrage.
“Say, ‘The soup is cold, and could you warm it up,’ ” said Mr. Bowen, who is an ordained minister and has written the book “A Complaint Free World.” “Not, ‘How dare you serve me cold soup!’ ” Lose the whiny entitled air.
I agree with that. Too often people’s annoyance at a mishap or something they disagree with ratchets up to fury in a nanosecond, as if everyone and everything is out to get them.
I also agree with Mr. Bowen’s point that we often do not speak frankly to the person doing us wrong. I was in a class where everyone was annoyed at the teacher for regularly failing to show up on time. It was an easily fixable problem, but all of us — about a dozen — complained in whispers to one another for weeks.
A few grumbled to other teachers and even spoke to the head of the entire program. But nothing changed. Finally, one brave soul broached the subject directly with our teacher.
He responded graciously and started showing up promptly.
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Article source: http://www.nytimes.com/2013/05/04/your-money/the-satisfaction-and-annoyance-of-complaining.html?partner=rss&emc=rss